My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
