He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
