Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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