I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize