i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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