Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
