so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
