rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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