i can't believe i had my finger in that
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
