today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
