My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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