weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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