apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My ass is underappreciated
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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