Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize