my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
