I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
