Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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