I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
