So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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