i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
