Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Buhtt sex?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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