i think my mom watched the whole time
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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