Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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