i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It all started with a game of naked twister.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
