Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
