Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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