He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i drank out of a bidet.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
