I am spending my child support on dildos
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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