I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
