I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Randomize
