Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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