So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize