listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
YAS. BRING CRAB.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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