i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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