So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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