My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
