Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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