Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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