I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
