so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
