Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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