How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
