just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
