If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
