i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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