Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
