Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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