I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I will be naked everywhere
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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