I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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