i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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