The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
