I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
