this boner is exhausting
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
