very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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