i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
