Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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