I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize