she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
