Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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