What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
