NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
