there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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