I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
