apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
