and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize