I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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